How far I have come

Soon enough it will be approaching the anniversary of the day I attempted suicide. It was the scariest moment of my life. Whenever I think about it now it does not feel like I am thinking about myself; but I am thinking about someone else, someone who has died, someone who never made it. I guess that is what happened, a part of me died. I worry every day that something will occur that a part of that character will come back. Something I have discovered is that my depression is triggered via an event, a bad event. Every day I fear something awful is going to happen and that dark side of me will reappear again. I am truly frightened of what I could do to myself in my worst moments. However, is this fear is a sign of getting better? All of this fear consumes me day-to-day and triggers, enforces and enrages something which has always been a part of me, my anxiety. I hate that I am so anxious; everything brings fear into my heart and poisons my mind. I despise feeling, I despise waking, I despise thinking because it causes a crippling anxiety within.

However, despite all of this, I am still incredibly proud of myself. I am so lucky I never died. I am so grateful to have started therapy. I have changed a phenomenal amount and although the battle is hard. Although I have those days where I spend them alone, crying. Although I can wake up in fear. I have come a long way. And it’s not because of anyone else, I have developed self-love, stronger than I have had since… well since I can remember and I try my very best to remind myself I deserve inner happiness just like everybody else. Just like you. 

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5 thoughts on “How far I have come

  1. I know these feelings all to well and I know I will be in your shoes when the anniversary of my suicide attempt approaches next year. Continue to be strong and grateful for life. Sending positive vibes your way -Phoenix

  2. I love your new blog, and I second Phoenix in sending positive vibes your way! I’m so glad you made it through the hardest, scariest time in your life. You are amazing, and you are right…we all deserve inner happiness! One of my favorite authors SARK asserts it’s our birthright!

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