All humans have days where they, to be blunt, feel shit. When they don’t want to go to work. When they’re fed up of the same routine. Lifestyle. Challenges. Habits. Atmospheres. Environments. But the point is to many humans they are just infact ‘days’ not ‘weeks, months year’ like those who are depressed. We spiral into the worst. We become lost in the negative and the positive is a distant memory or never existed.
You know what? I’m tired of crying, I’m tired of feeling anxious, I’m tired of hating myself, I’m tired of reading my messages just incase they have something bad to say, I’m tired of fearing people, I’m tired of feeling uncomfortable, I’m tired of feeling the world is against me, I’m tired of constantly reasoning with myself, I’m tired of trying to make sense of my emotions, I’m tired of not understanding my emotions, I’m tired of feeling emotionless, I’m tired of feeling emotion and fearing it fading away, I’m tired. I’m really tired.
When I have a bad ‘day’. It becomes a bad week. This has been a bad week for tiny reasons. At first I felt strong and now I feel… there are no words to describe how I feel. What’s changed? Why am suddenly feeling this low again? Why am I letting tiny things get me down? Why am I becoming upset by things that aren’t that bad? Why am I listening to the voice of depression and believing it? I’m afraid of it.
It needs to stop. Because I am human and I deserve happiness. I deserve inner peace, tranquility, comfort and love. I am you and you are me. I love you so why don’t I love me? What is so different about you and me? You like jazz and I like indie? You like comedies and I like thrillers? We’re both human. If you said the world was against you and you’re destined to be miserable what would I say?
I would present the voice of reason; I would say the world is not a living thing and doesn’t feel – therefore it cannot be against you. I would ask for one valid reason and evidence that you are destined to be miserable and you may say ‘I feel it’ but then I would say ‘that’s depression talking; that’s emotional reasoning, not fact’.
Where’s the difference in me? Right now… Is the world against me? Am I destined to be miserable? No. If you’re not. I’m not. Why? Because we’re both human.
I’m so fucking tired of this battle between myself and my mind. I am human. I recall Dyane (http://proudlybipolar.wordpress.com/) quoting SARKS and stating ‘happiness is a birthright’ or something to that effect. I deserve happiness. I cannot give in. I cannot let depression win. I will not let depression win. I’ve been strong for a year. I can be strong now. In life we have to fight for what we want, it won’t always be handed to us, right now I need to fight for happiness.