Humans

All humans have days where they, to be blunt, feel shit. When they don’t want to go to work. When they’re fed up of the same routine. Lifestyle. Challenges. Habits. Atmospheres. Environments. But the point is to many humans they are just infact ‘days’ not ‘weeks, months year’ like those who are depressed. We spiral into the worst. We become lost in the negative and the positive is a distant memory or never existed. 

You know what? I’m tired of crying, I’m tired of feeling anxious, I’m tired of hating myself, I’m tired of reading my messages just incase they have something bad to say, I’m tired of fearing people, I’m tired of feeling uncomfortable, I’m tired of feeling the world is against me, I’m tired of constantly reasoning with myself, I’m tired of trying to make sense of my emotions, I’m tired of not understanding my emotions, I’m tired of feeling emotionless, I’m tired of feeling emotion and fearing it fading away, I’m tired. I’m really tired. 

When I have a bad ‘day’. It becomes a bad week. This has been a bad week for tiny reasons. At first I felt strong and now I feel… there are no words to describe how I feel. What’s changed? Why am  suddenly feeling this low again? Why am I letting tiny things get me down? Why am I becoming upset by things that aren’t that bad? Why am I listening to the voice of depression and believing it? I’m afraid of it.

It needs to stop. Because I am human and I deserve happiness. I deserve inner peace, tranquility, comfort and love. I am you and you are me. I love you so why don’t I love me? What is so different about you and me? You like jazz and I like indie? You like comedies and I like thrillers? We’re both human. If you said the world was against you and you’re destined to be miserable what would I say?

I would present the voice of reason; I would say the world is not a living thing and doesn’t feel – therefore it cannot be against you. I would ask for one valid reason and evidence that you are destined to be miserable and you may say ‘I feel it’ but then I would say ‘that’s depression talking; that’s emotional reasoning, not fact’.

Where’s the difference in me? Right now… Is the world against me? Am I destined to be miserable? No. If you’re not. I’m not. Why? Because we’re both human.

I’m so fucking tired of this battle between myself and my mind. I am human. I recall Dyane (http://proudlybipolar.wordpress.com/) quoting SARKS and stating ‘happiness is a birthright’ or something to that effect. I deserve happiness. I cannot give in. I cannot let depression win. I will not let depression win. I’ve been strong for a year. I can be strong now. In life we have to fight for what we want, it won’t always be handed to us, right now I need to fight for happiness. 

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2 thoughts on “Humans

  1. Thanks for the shout-out! Yes, SARK believes that happiness is our birthright, but it sure doesn’t feel that way sometimes!

    I’m having one of those days, with PMS-like feelings. Having been sick with a nasty cold and a pulled muscle in my lower back have brought out the self-pity, but I won’t give in completely, however.

    I don’t blame you for being tired of all the bullshit one bit! 😦

    My plan for today is to feel all the crappy feelings and then do things to cheer myself up. Besides working out, which I haven’t been able to do because of my cold & my back (which seriously sucks since it’s the #1 thing that makes me feel better despite it taking effort) that includes being with my puppy, reading a good book, ice cream, and of course internet surfing!

    You are SO right in that we need to fight for happiness! It’s hard as hell, but totally worth it! xoxo

    • You’re so sweet!
      I’m sorry you’ve been ill and hurt your back and I hope you feel all better soon! I guess it is important to vent out any negative feelings you have instead of holding onto them, which I have been doing for the past week. But we also have to do little things that bring us joy. I hope you have a good day! and you start feeling much better very soon. It’s dawning to the end of the day here in England so hopefully tomorrow will be a better one for me, even if I’m not doing much, but I do have therapy. We all deserve happiness, some of us just need to really fight for it, but that means we just cherish is a lot more! 🙂 xx

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