They May Have Been Afraid… What About Me?

I have been thinking about all my experiences as a teenager. My behaviour and moods were so erratic, and sure that’s normal for a ‘hormonal teenage girl’ but not all hormonal teenage girls self-harmed, vowed that they would prefer death, drank ridiculous amounts of alcohol to escape, leapt from the extreme happiness to extreme depression. I was clearly suffering. Clearly. But why was nothing ever done? Why was it ignored? Why was I ignored? Why were my emotions ignored?

I mean sure people may have been afraid and unsure of how to address it, but how an earth did they think I was feeling?

What sprung this on was I was scrolling through my timeline on Facebook and was deleting all the old posts and I started to not see the nostalgic stories of when I was in school; but a young girl screaming for help. Clearly. One minute I would scream about how happy I was and how great life is and the next I was saying how I would rather be dead, how I was miserable, how I hate the world. But the thing is, it’s different to other girls, or boys, whatever, because I knew I meant it. I really meant it. The emotion was raw, real and present.

It infuriates me that it was ignored. And it was. I mean my parents must have thought it was ‘hormones’ or something but when you’re child comes home drunk having self-harmed. That’s not hormones. That’s a young girl crying for help.

It breaks me heart that they never helped me. Maybe they were in denial. Maybe they felt they’d failed. Maybe they didn’t understand it. But… I don’t care. I don’t care for their denial, misunderstanding or fear, pride, whatever.

People really need to be more aware and informed about mental illness. It’s terrible that they aren’t. Truly, terrible. It’s years later and I’m still affected by the lack of support and understanding that I felt when I was younger. I just wanted someone to tell me what was ‘wrong’ and nobody would or could.

I’m so proud that I, one day, got the help myself. I’ve learnt a lot from doing so. But we shouldn’t have to go through that torture alone. Ever.

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2 thoughts on “They May Have Been Afraid… What About Me?

  1. I am so deeply sorry you were ignored the way you were…especially when it was so obvious. That’s not something one can forget about! I am SO proud of you for taking care of yourself now, and for sharing about your painful past. I wish the best for you – you have been through more than anyone should have to endure.

    • Thank you for your words of kindness. This was very hard and upsetting for me to write about but I felt the message was very important and significant. People shouldn’t ignore anyone’s torment, I wish mine wasn’t ignored but maybe I wouldn’t be who I am today if it wasn’t ignored. I guess I eventually realised that I didn’t need anyone else, only I can help myself.

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