Hey! So sorry I haven’t been blogging but it’s been a busy week and whilst being on such a high I’ve suddenly hit a low again for a reason I do not know, nor understand.
On Tuesday I went to visit my sister, I have three sisters, but I’m closest to one; we share the same ideals, have the same energy, I don’t know we’re just the closest. I spoke up to her about my depression, about my attempted suicide and importantly my relationship with our father. I told her about how my attempted suicide and how it was possibly the best decision I’ve ever made. Just small things I’ve never wanted to talk about with her or any of my family because I feared judgement and being shunned off like it didn’t matter; she openly admitted she didn’t understand any of it but that’s only because she never felt it but she acknowledges it’s there and can see that I’m doing the right things to battle and manage it and, importantly, those things are working. I was very, very positive when I visited her. I wasn’t worrying about results day because I didn’t have the time to and I lacked the negative energy to even care. When I’m away from home, I’m a lot happier. A lot happier. It’s very odd I feel worth something. I feel a part of the world rather than locked away from it. I don’t feel surrounded by negative memories and events. I have no time to sit alone with my worries, anxieties, thoughts or negative vibes. I feel only goodness. Any worries that come my way, I seem to acquire the power of reason to forbid them to consume me.
So, as you know, I got into university and soon enough will be moving away from home. I will be moving into the accommodation at university. It’s going to cost a lot; I’ve got Student Finance sorted as well as an overdraft for things that I will have to pay for before I get my loans. I know the facts here, the facts are I’m going to have enough money and to not feel bad about using my overdraft because that’s what it is there for and that is why I got it – to use it. But I seem to be worrying about many things; finances, fresher’s week and how I’m going to afford it, meeting new people, whether people will like me, whether I will like them, whether I will enjoy the course.
So I sit back and ask myself ‘why am I worrying about these things?’ and well, I worry because if I don’t I feel something bad will happen. Here I am with the most exciting thing before me. I’ve gained incredible A Level grades. I’m waiting to it all to begin. I’m happy. I feel this happiness and this pride so what do I do? I freak out. Because when I’m happy I’ve got something to lose. Absolutely irrational.
I’ve earned everything I’ve got and shall soon get. I needn’t worry about what I cannot control because ‘anxiety is like a rocking chair constantly moving back and forth on the same worry and still remaining in the same place’. I should hold onto my pride and the good thing before me because I and I alone have earned this, everything else should then fall into insignificance.