The scariest part of my suicide was waking up in the morning knowing I was still alive; waking up knowing how many people were worried about me, angry at me, hurt by me; feeling embarrassment because my attempt was just that. I never felt regret for my actions. I was resentful that it never worked.
Over a year later I still feel embarrassment, but not because it didn’t work, I don’t know why I feel embarrassment. I feel no resentment. I feel no fear.
In fact I feel glad; glad to be alive, glad to know who my real friends are, glad to know who I know loves and cares for me. These are pretty typical things, right? But I’m glad I did it. If I hadn’t have done that, I wouldn’t have experienced group therapy which was life changing in itself, I wouldn’t have started Dynamic Interpersonal therapy, I wouldn’t have become more aware and knowledgeable in mental health awareness, I wouldn’t be working to change the stigma, I wouldn’t be writing this, I wouldn’t have developed this creative knack for writing, I wouldn’t see the world how I do now, I wouldn’t be less ignorant. I’m becoming who I want to be. I took this real shit thing and did and am doing everything I can to make it a real good thing.
I’m not saying people need to attempt suicide to find themselves. Not at all. It’s not true and it’s not something I would ‘recommend’, so let me just get that straight. What I mean is I was going through pure darkness but I created my own light. I opened myself up to the world and let the world help me. I went into therapy with an open mind, now my mind has been opened.
Many people have answered the question of if they could have lived their life without mental illness, whether they would. And many have said no. I agree.