The Nasty Spiral

Since I can remember I have suffered with anxiety. I have now developed rational ways to manage and challenge my anxious thoughts and actions, but now I fear I am going from one extreme to the other. We all worry; it is a totally human thing to do. We worry about things we care about and things that are important to us. We feel anxiety when we start a new job or college. We feel nervous when we go on our first date with someone. Worrying is normal. With anxiety is a hyperbolic nature of worry and panic. It is a tremendously hard thing to go through. It paralyses you from living the life you desire. You are unable to do almost anything. When I was at the peak of my anxiety I was having panic attacks every day, sometimes two a day and I was put on Propranolol for a short while to control it. But I wanted to find out ‘why’ and ‘how’ to manage it. In therapy I was able to do this and in some ways it is harder to understand my anxiety than it is my depression. Now I am aware of more ways to challenge and manage my anxiety however now whenever I worry I do not know whether it is totally human or not. I worry about worrying because I fear becoming tremendously anxious. It is becoming quite the nasty spiral.

The very nature of moving away from home, going to university, meeting new people, becoming independent, having to fend for myself financially basically everything that comes with university is panicking me. I mean that’s normal, right? Every other first year student in the country is feeling the same. With me, I do not know whether how I feel is totally normal and healthy or not.

It is like I have become way too paranoid to feel like if I feel nothing then that’s okay – no danger.

It is a very weird thing to explain and probably for you to understand.

But I fear feeling anything.

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2 thoughts on “The Nasty Spiral

  1. I think I can relate here, I am always thinking about my anxiety and how its going to be today, how its going to be later. I would love to just not think about the anxiety for a few minutes.
    As for all the changes you are facing, I am pretty sure that is all normal worry. Unfortunately for people like us, simple worry becomes catastrophic worry.
    I can completely understand not wanting to feel anything.

    • It is comforting for me to know that someone can relate and familiarize themselves with how I am feeling; but also sad because I hate feeling like it I wouldn’t want anyone else to. But thank you for your kindness and your understanding.

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